A Surgical Resident’s Journey to Authenticity

By Dr. Steven Xie

This is a special edition blog post presented in partnership with the Association of Out Surgeons and Allies in celebration of Pride Month.

Every member of the LGBTQ+ community has a unique story and journey in coming out. Often, coming out isn’t a single moment, but a continuous process of choosing to live authentically, sometimes in spaces that are not built or ready for it. Growing up at the intersection of being Asian American and gay, I internalized the idea that my identity was something to hide–something I should be ashamed of. There was a deep fear of disappointing my family, whose ideology likely stemmed from the cultural silence around queerness, and their fear of what being gay meant for my future. I immersed myself in academics, kept my head buried in books, hoping academic success would protect me from shame. I viewed excellence as a shield, that if I could be “good enough”, being gay wouldn’t be so bad. However, deep down, I was slowly disconnecting from myself. The longer I stayed closeted, the further I drifted away from joy.

It wasn’t until matriculating into medical school when I was surrounded by new communities, open-minded people, and perspectives, that I started to reconsider what living authentically could look like. I started to come out in small, but intentional ways. Each time, and with proper support and acceptance, the fear that had crippled me for more than two decades began to fade little by little. The more I was embraced, the more I flourished and succeeded in school. I felt lighter, freer, and for the first time, overwhelmingly happy and proud of where I was in life.

Then came residency applications. I had fallen in love with general surgery throughout my time as a third-year medical student. Everything pointed me towards the specialty, except I had hesitations: would I be accepted as a gay man in a field that can be rigid and unwelcoming? Would programs view me differently? I looked for LGBTQ+ representation within surgery and found little at the time. I struggled to seek mentorship from LGBTQ+ surgeons. Despite the hesitations, I did not want to go back into hiding. After all the progress I’d made, hiding this important aspect of my identity during the application cycle felt like betraying myself. Inevitably, I made the decision to come out again, this time in my personal statement. I shared this truth because it was so critical to my being and how I envisioned myself shaping and influencing the future of academic surgery. I shared it knowing that it may close some doors, but I trusted it would leave other doors open. I wanted to match at an institution that embraced all of me.

Today, I’m proud to be a surgical resident at a program that has supported me fully – as an aspiring endocrine surgeon and as a gay Asian American. Being out has not only made me a better surgical resident, but it’s also allowed me to be the mentor to other LGBTQ+ students I once needed. I’ve now had the privilege of guiding other students who, like me, questioned their space within medicine and surgery. Everyone’s path is different. Not everyone can or should feel pressured to come out during their application cycle. But I encourage all LGBTQ+ applicants to ask programs the tough questions regarding DEI efforts, LGBTQ+ representation, and support systems that are in place. I dream of a future where these questions don’t need to be asked, where medical students do not have to wonder if they will be viewed differently because of sexual orientation. Until then, visibility matters. Representation matters. Pride matters. Your truth matters, however and whenever you decide to share it.

About the Author

Dr. Xie is a 4th year general surgery resident at the University of Michigan. He is passionate about the recruitment and retention of LGBTQ+ medical students in general surgery and providing mentorship to LGBTQ+ medical students. Academically, he is interested in pursuing endocrine surgery fellowship and is researching the impact of limited English proficiency on patient outcomes and experiences during surgical encounters.