Special Edition for National Breastfeeding Awareness Month
Marjorie Liggett, MD
When my newborn wasn’t gaining weight in the first week of life, I became obsessed with my milk supply. I couldn’t stop the racing thought: Am I failing as a mother because I can’t feed my own child? I’ll admit, that was a little dramatic. Blame the hormones and the sleep deprivation, if you must, but I’m sure someone else reading this knows exactly what I’m talking about.
Throughout my maternity leave, I diligently pumped and breastfed every 2-3 hours, day and night. Eventually, after a lot of hard work, I felt confident in my milk supply and my goal to breastfeed for 6 months or more. The baby was gaining weight, the anxieties I had around feeding my child began to subside, and I even had generated a moderate freezer stash for a rainy day. As I prepared to return to work, I thought I had a good plan in place for pumping. I had purchased my absurdly expensive wearable pumps, recommended by other working moms, my ice packs, my collection bottle, and my lunch box to keep it all in. I set my alarm to go off every 3 hours to remind me to pump. Mama was ready to bring home the bacon (so to say).
Fast forward to my first day back in the operating room. The beginning of the case went off without a hitch. However, one hour into the case, I ran into some unexpected problems. As I am painstakingly troubleshooting, relying on my plan B and then plan C to salvage the case, I suddenly hear my “it’s time to pump” alarm go off. But it is not a safe time to stop. Time continued to tick on, and by the time the case was complete, I realized I hadn’t pumped in almost 5 hours. My breasts were sore, swollen, and leaking.
When it was safe to do so, I ran to the locker room and got out my fancy wearable pumps. I was gratefully anticipating the relief and also feeling anxious regarding the long stretch of time and its impact on my supply. Then: error flush falange. Flush with what? It’s dry!? I had only used these pumps three times before. I replaced the falange, and tried again. Error, flush falange. This went on for another ten minutes. I only had 20 minutes before I needed to return to the OR. I tried to make do with one working pump. Only 2 ounces out, significantly less than my normal yield. Disappointed, still feeling full, and now feeling rushed to return to the OR, I went to dump my liquid gold into my collection bottle. And then, my worst fear: As I removed the collection canister of the pump, the entire 2 ounces spilled onto my scrubs. Covered in my own breast milk, I began to cry.
Breastfeeding while training as a surgeon is no easy feat. Our lives and workplaces are just not designed to be breastfeeding-friendly. When I embarked on this journey, I knew staying committed to breastfeeding was going to be hard, demanding work that required a lot of careful planning to make it logistically feasible. But I was unprepared for how emotionally charged the experience could be. When my supply dwindled, I felt immense guilt and shame. When my child got so used to bottles, because of my long hours away, and no longer wanted to nurse at night, I felt lonely. When I was able to pump successfully and had a good yield, I felt proud and resilient. The rollercoaster of emotions around feeding your child (however you choose to do so) is something no one can prepare you for. So, if you haven’t heard it lately, but need a reminder: it is, indeed, okay to cry over spilled milk.
Dr. Marjorie Liggett, MD is a PGY-5 General Surgery Resident at Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine in Chicago, IL and an AWS member since 2020. She is a graduate of the College of the Holy Cross in Worcester, MA, where she studied Biology and Anthropology. Prior to medical school, she was a high school special education teacher, an experience that has shaped her practice and fostered her love for education. She received her medical degree from Michigan State University College of Human Medicine. Currently, she is pursuing a Master of Science in Clinical Investigation degree from Northwestern University. Her research interests are in traumatic brain injury, damage control resuscitation, and hemorrhagic shock. She plans to pursue a career in Trauma Surgery and Critical Care. She loves to teach and mentor other residents and medical students and is always looking for an opportunity to get a coffee and talk about surgery, resident wellness, medical education, parenthood, and dogs.
Twitter: @liggett_MD