The Shadow of Sacrifice

by Ashley Martinez 

 

I stared back at her feet in four-inch heels as I lay under my mother’s desk, awakening from my nap. A single mother of three, my mother worked what seemed like all hours of the day to make ends meet. As a result, I quickly became accustomed to napping under her desk after school or sipping on a juice that her client offered me and my youngest brother while we sat in the living room of a home we could only dream would be ours. Was her work ethic passed down to me due to genetics, model behavior, or a mix of both? Now, as a third-year medical student, I like to think it’s an accumulation of these factors, once fueled by the need to prove myself, but now sustained by something far greater. 

 

There was no doubt that I was smart. I took after my mom in that way. The only difference between me and my mom was that she had her first child at 16 years old and, as a result, dropped out of high school with only a 9th-grade education. Despite that, she established a career for herself and was relentless in pursuing a better life for her children, even if it meant running herself into the ground to do so. Just like her, I imagine a better life for my children than the one I grew up in, one where they never have to face poverty, abuse, housing, or food insecurity as my brothers and I did.

 

I quickly realized that the only way for me to achieve that was through climbing the ladder of higher education. It is no secret that the weight of medical education debt can feel enormous. However, no one talks about the hidden costs of achieving your dream, the sacrifices one makes as a first-generation college and medical student that are often overlooked by peers and preceptors in the clinical setting but weigh heaviest on your shoulders.

 

My family lives on one side of the country, and I attend medical school on the opposite side, a distance of over 3,000 miles. The sacrifice I make every day to be here extends beyond missing birthdays, weddings, funerals, etc. No, this sacrifice extends to generations of women who came before me. My grandmother made the same sacrifice of leaving her mom to cross the US-Mexico border in search of a better life. My mom sacrificed meals to ensure we were fed, sleep to work two jobs, and her peace to face the threat of losing our home on more than one occasion. When I think of all the sacrifices that have been made for me to pursue my dream of becoming a surgeon, I can’t help but feel a sense of emptiness at the center of all my gratitude. Yes, I will achieve great things and my Spanish-speaking patients will look at me with appreciation, seeing someone who looks like them, who understands them – but at what cost?

 

Pursuing a career in medicine has never been about me, not entirely. I’ve walked this arduous journey with my family and my community on my back. I am who I am because of where I come from. That, in itself, has fueled my motivation and has been the foundation of my grit and resilience for as long as I can remember. Underneath my short white coat, I yearn for the opportunity to watch my only parent age gracefully, to be within driving distance from her for our morning cafecito and evening walks. It is this yearning that engulfs every corner of my mind when I’m spoken through like air by an attending or when I’m reduced to “the medical student” by a resident. Regardless of whether the culture of medicine has stained their sense of humanity, I stand with my two feet planted firmly on the ground, knowing that this journey is not mine alone. Every step I take is a testament to the strength of the women who came before me, and the dreams they entrusted me to fulfill. I am driven not just by the desire to succeed, but by the unyielding belief that I must because my story, and theirs, demands it.

 

About the Author

Ashley Martinez is a third-year medical student at Albany Medical College with an interest in General Surgery. Born and raised in California, Ashley earned a Bachelor of Science in Biochemistry from UC San Diego. Before medical school, she worked at the USC Keck School of Medicine, studying the association between high-density lipoprotein particles in cerebrospinal fluid and Alzheimer’s disease risk. As a first-generation student, Ashley is driven to support others from similar backgrounds. Through her leadership in the Latino Medical Student Association and her research, she is committed to identifying the needs of underserved populations and aspires to become a surgeon who can address these disparities by providing quality, equitable care. Outside of academics, she enjoys traveling, paddle boarding, and powerlifting.